My life, an Irritation to my eyes.

Last Post: September 23rd, 2009

I haven't been updating my blog since. No time, no interest. But now there is, MUCH interest. To show people how wrong an almost "perfect" life actually is.

PART I

Saturday, December 12, 2009
It was a fight, like any other. There had been millions of them in the past. Everyday almost. It was no big deal, I was used to it. I could be really mean some times, but it takes two to tango, as I am sure you have heard that saying before. In this battle, it took three. 2 against 1. I was never abused, physically. I put off the same vibes I was served. Most of the time they were negative. I did the odd amount of name calling, throw a tantrum here and there. Like any other child would. I am fourteen years old, a big baby. I don't cry a lot, as a rule. I was never told NOT to cry, I just feel the need to. It must not be healthy, I have been told. My body just doesn't feel the need to let salt water run down my face, to hit the floor, my pillow, or my latest lyrics. Sometimes I WANT to cry. Like now, perhaps. My life is sad, but my eyes don't believe it.

I can't quite remember what we were fighting about this time. I ride to my friends house that he didn't feel the need to give. Or was it my sarcastic attitude towards my Mother? The point was it was a fight, and it wasn't new to my mother, my sisters, my brothers', or my eyes. The fact, is that they needed to stop. The fights, that is. My step-dad said what he usually does, "Get her out of the house or I am going to kick her out with my own foot!" and, "Call the God-damn CAS!" Except this time, my Mom actually DID call the CAS. I didn't think anything of it at the time. It was a Saturday, her and a Social Worker named Jess were to meet Tuesday while I was in school. I completely forgot they were to meet that day, actually, I forgot they were meeting at all.

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Today was the torch relay in Picton. Every school in Prince Edward County was going to be there, along with a few locals. I had an awesome day! It was actually so fun. I came home, excited to tell my mom about the festivities. I came in and went on the computer for a few minutes, update my facebook, twitter, etc... She walked in the door, I began to tell her about my day. The first thing out of her mouth were words I didn't want to hear, "Brandi, Jess, the CAS worker I met with today..." All ready I knew this conversation was not going to end well, her tone of voice set it off right a way. She finished her sentence with "...and she thinks I should enter you in a parent relief program." No, no no no no no no no. She tried to explain, but I wasn't listening, I began to scream then. "How could you do this to me!? You don't love me!? It's HIM isn't it! HE wants me gone! He told you to do this to me!"

We fought that night and the next...
I was to go to the Children's Aid Society on Thursday, December the 17th, and sign papers agreeing to go into foster care for a week or so. I'm not sure that my mom got the fact, that I would be angrier when I came home from foster care. What child would not be? I didn't think that was so hard to understand... Is it?

So I've decided not to go any further into detail.
But I have made a decision that I think will be the best for me.

Things are complicated and I haven't been informed of many things but as of now, February 1st 2010, I am to go to Honeywell House. A group home for kids my age.

I think this this is extremely stupid.

Pardon

my

french.

My eldest sister moved in with her boyfriend as soon as she finished high school, no questions asked.

My second eldest sister moved in with her boyfriend at the age of 16.

And then there is me. Pushed out of my home by my mother and step-father who simply just, needed a break. I wonder sometimes if it's possible that it's Impossible to live with my mother... If it's her, or the men she chooses to be in "love" with. I mean, it's clear me and my step-father don't get along. But did My Eldest sister move out because she couldn't stand my father, him not being her biological father? Or did my other sister move out at 16 because she didn't get along with my step-father as well? I also wonder, if the age of residing in a different home is decreasing, what age will my younger sister move out? her being only 14 months younger than me, or my brother him being 11 YEARS younger than me. All of the things that worry me in life are left to question. I'm sick of questioning every thought. Like the other day, I was visiting with my mother, showing her a few dresses I was looking into for my semi-formal at school. She kept asking me "What if you can't go?" or "What if you're in Honeywell by then?". This made me ask her "Why would you do that?". Why would my own mother who should be getting excited and asking me, what shoes I'm going to wear or, how am I going to fix my hair.. Instead make me question my feelings towards the event. Why would she let me get excited or happy, and then crush everything I was looking forward to by making me question it?

Did my sisters go through the same thing that I did? Did they move out to escape from it?
I couldn't ask them, I felt like they were on HER side in this situation. Nothing makes sense to me.

My life has changed me, but from this moment on, I am making a few changes to myself.
Thus, brings on my final 10 Goals in life:

1. I AM enrolling in the arts program for Centennial Secondary School this coming March

2. I AM finishing high school

3. I AM going to Humber College for Photography

4. I AM going to be successful

5. I AM going to lose 20 pounds this summer

6. I AM going to do something spontaneous and fun this year

7. I AM going to get a job this summer

8. I AM going to get 1 piercing and 1 tattoo this year

9. I AM going to be Successful in all that I do

10. I AM getting emancipated the DAY I turn 16 years old.

I will update my blog and the 2 readers I have each time I complete one of these things,
some may take a while....

Some may be tomorrow.


Brandi.xoxo