1. I AM enrolling in the arts program for Centennial Secondary School this coming March

2. I AM finishing high school

3. I AM going to Humber College for Photography

4. I AM going to be successful

5. I AM going to lose 20 pounds this summer

6. I AM going to do something spontaneous and fun this year

7. I AM going to get a job this summer

8. I AM going to get 1 piercing and 1 tattoo this year

9. I AM going to be Successful in all that I do

10. I AM getting emancipated the DAY I turn 16 years old.

Remember that old thing? Well, I sure do, and I have some changes to make. Some things aren't going to happen, and they're for the best. Feel free to leave your comments and thoughts! Here's my new success list!

1. I've succeeded in entering the arts program and will continue succeeding in it throughout my high school career.

2. I am finishing high school, no change there.

3. I am going to Ryerson University for the Image arts program to become a successful photographer.

4. I am going to be successful.

5. I am going to care about my health and not my weight.

6. I am going to get my nose peirced, eek!

7. I am going to love myself, and my friends and family.

8. I am going to live my life for me and no one else!

That's it people. Thanks for reading my blog!

Brandi xoxo

Sitting, Waiting, Watching, Hoping.

As i've been sitting here passing time looking over old notes i've written, I've realized a pattern. As some of them have been made, mainly out of boredom, many of them have been made out of conflict, and anger. Some about conflict with friends, and a couple about conflict with family. I've realized over time, conflict is pointless. It's always going to happen, and we will get involved in conflict some way or another for as long as we possibly can. To be serious though, what's the point of it? It gets us worked up and proves one or the other wrong. It wastes energy and takes things away from us. It may be fun at first, but it always ends in sadness and usually the loss of a friend or family member. Conflict only ever makes things harder. Taking my note about Kinda Hancock for example. My fathers sister to whom I once referred to as my Aunt. Starting the fight saying she was sticking up for me by bashing my mother was a mistake, spreading rumours and other slander lost me as her Niece permanently. Now, she once said my mother raised us as disrespectful. She was once again wrong as I now say "Hi" when I see her, to be respectful even though the things she said hurt, and always will hurt me and my family. If that was the purpose of her words, it was low. I still want to know why though. Why she did all of that. some things go unanswered. Sometimes it's better that way. That gave her 5 less nieces, and me and my siblings one less aunt. The point to this is to say that conflict takes things no where. If something isn't your business, don't make it your business. Usually it's not the smartest thing to do. I've learned also that taking things into your own hands, isn't always the best thing to do, even when you think it is. My mom always told me to think about what I was going to do or say before I did or said it. I'm slowly learning that it's so true. Actions mean everything, so make good ones. If your in need of attention, don't get involved in conflict. Do something good rather, and make it good attention instead of bad. Let people know that you're too good for drama, and that your smart enough to know that it's never worth it. This note was to make a point. But the point wasn't just that drama and conflict and fights aren't worth it. The point was that it causes things. Drama makes things happen that don't otherwise. Drama drains you, if the fight is working for you, it doesn't always the next time. While you're winning the fight, the other person is dead inside. Another fail, another lose. And next time it's you that it happens to. So can you please tell me the point of it? Because it would really comfort me to find out. For I think there is no point. Be happy. Live life to the fullest. Have dreams, and make them come true. Go places in life, do whatever makes you proud of yourself. Oh, and one last thing, live life for you, and not anyone else. That's all. Thank-you.

LalalaLove.

Ever held your breath while driving over the Belleville bridge? or any bridge at all?Hoping that possibly the wish you make in the process will possibly come true, or your questions will be answered in some way or another. The feeling that all air in your body has escaped and your seconds away from losing your life. and when you breath after the 120 seconds of the trip over water, you feel like your head is going to float right off your body, and disappear into the clouds like a helium balloon. This is what love feels like, at least, I think.

Blind.

They more I try, the more I'm denied.
They give me more time, they plead for more tears.
I die inside, I cry and cry.
They let me down, when I'm picked up.
I feel the ground, It's cold, and slimy.
It's how I feel, as you pull in the reel.
I'm not sure what's true, as long as I rue.
The lies are told, I am withhold.
I can't stand it, you call me the bandit.
I'm a thief of life, mine, I cannot strife.
I'm done now, can't see the sun now.
Blocking you out, the only way to live my life.

BFF

My friend sarah and I are best.

Best Friends that is.

I spend pretty much all my weekends with her.

Pretty much every minute that were aren't in class together.

and let her eat my food when she has none, like tonight. Ha.

What can I say, she's like a sister to me.

I love her :)♥

My life, an Irritation to my eyes.

Last Post: September 23rd, 2009

I haven't been updating my blog since. No time, no interest. But now there is, MUCH interest. To show people how wrong an almost "perfect" life actually is.

PART I

Saturday, December 12, 2009
It was a fight, like any other. There had been millions of them in the past. Everyday almost. It was no big deal, I was used to it. I could be really mean some times, but it takes two to tango, as I am sure you have heard that saying before. In this battle, it took three. 2 against 1. I was never abused, physically. I put off the same vibes I was served. Most of the time they were negative. I did the odd amount of name calling, throw a tantrum here and there. Like any other child would. I am fourteen years old, a big baby. I don't cry a lot, as a rule. I was never told NOT to cry, I just feel the need to. It must not be healthy, I have been told. My body just doesn't feel the need to let salt water run down my face, to hit the floor, my pillow, or my latest lyrics. Sometimes I WANT to cry. Like now, perhaps. My life is sad, but my eyes don't believe it.

I can't quite remember what we were fighting about this time. I ride to my friends house that he didn't feel the need to give. Or was it my sarcastic attitude towards my Mother? The point was it was a fight, and it wasn't new to my mother, my sisters, my brothers', or my eyes. The fact, is that they needed to stop. The fights, that is. My step-dad said what he usually does, "Get her out of the house or I am going to kick her out with my own foot!" and, "Call the God-damn CAS!" Except this time, my Mom actually DID call the CAS. I didn't think anything of it at the time. It was a Saturday, her and a Social Worker named Jess were to meet Tuesday while I was in school. I completely forgot they were to meet that day, actually, I forgot they were meeting at all.

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Today was the torch relay in Picton. Every school in Prince Edward County was going to be there, along with a few locals. I had an awesome day! It was actually so fun. I came home, excited to tell my mom about the festivities. I came in and went on the computer for a few minutes, update my facebook, twitter, etc... She walked in the door, I began to tell her about my day. The first thing out of her mouth were words I didn't want to hear, "Brandi, Jess, the CAS worker I met with today..." All ready I knew this conversation was not going to end well, her tone of voice set it off right a way. She finished her sentence with "...and she thinks I should enter you in a parent relief program." No, no no no no no no no. She tried to explain, but I wasn't listening, I began to scream then. "How could you do this to me!? You don't love me!? It's HIM isn't it! HE wants me gone! He told you to do this to me!"

We fought that night and the next...
I was to go to the Children's Aid Society on Thursday, December the 17th, and sign papers agreeing to go into foster care for a week or so. I'm not sure that my mom got the fact, that I would be angrier when I came home from foster care. What child would not be? I didn't think that was so hard to understand... Is it?

So I've decided not to go any further into detail.
But I have made a decision that I think will be the best for me.

Things are complicated and I haven't been informed of many things but as of now, February 1st 2010, I am to go to Honeywell House. A group home for kids my age.

I think this this is extremely stupid.

Pardon

my

french.

My eldest sister moved in with her boyfriend as soon as she finished high school, no questions asked.

My second eldest sister moved in with her boyfriend at the age of 16.

And then there is me. Pushed out of my home by my mother and step-father who simply just, needed a break. I wonder sometimes if it's possible that it's Impossible to live with my mother... If it's her, or the men she chooses to be in "love" with. I mean, it's clear me and my step-father don't get along. But did My Eldest sister move out because she couldn't stand my father, him not being her biological father? Or did my other sister move out at 16 because she didn't get along with my step-father as well? I also wonder, if the age of residing in a different home is decreasing, what age will my younger sister move out? her being only 14 months younger than me, or my brother him being 11 YEARS younger than me. All of the things that worry me in life are left to question. I'm sick of questioning every thought. Like the other day, I was visiting with my mother, showing her a few dresses I was looking into for my semi-formal at school. She kept asking me "What if you can't go?" or "What if you're in Honeywell by then?". This made me ask her "Why would you do that?". Why would my own mother who should be getting excited and asking me, what shoes I'm going to wear or, how am I going to fix my hair.. Instead make me question my feelings towards the event. Why would she let me get excited or happy, and then crush everything I was looking forward to by making me question it?

Did my sisters go through the same thing that I did? Did they move out to escape from it?
I couldn't ask them, I felt like they were on HER side in this situation. Nothing makes sense to me.

My life has changed me, but from this moment on, I am making a few changes to myself.
Thus, brings on my final 10 Goals in life:

1. I AM enrolling in the arts program for Centennial Secondary School this coming March

2. I AM finishing high school

3. I AM going to Humber College for Photography

4. I AM going to be successful

5. I AM going to lose 20 pounds this summer

6. I AM going to do something spontaneous and fun this year

7. I AM going to get a job this summer

8. I AM going to get 1 piercing and 1 tattoo this year

9. I AM going to be Successful in all that I do

10. I AM getting emancipated the DAY I turn 16 years old.

I will update my blog and the 2 readers I have each time I complete one of these things,
some may take a while....

Some may be tomorrow.


Brandi.xoxo

Everyday I See My Dream

(really really over due post... written a very long time ago)

I haven't written on this in a long time, I am great at keeping promises and holding secrets. But a schedual (except school) doesn't really work for me all the time. So I came home today and everything seemed normal. Then I saw it, the platinum pink DS sitting on my kitchen table. This could only mean one thing. The infamous Sheryl Sheckler was at my house, once again. My mother babysits Sheryl for her friend, Rhalade Sheckler. Now, once apon a time, Sheryl was a stealing liar, she still is but my mother likes to insist that she has since then changed. Nobody really changes, they just put a costume on. For liars, it's Halloween 24/7. Sheryl must really like Halloween. I know I am some what hard on her, but if she wasn't such a condisending bitch all the time I would have no reason to hate her, plus the fact that she trys too hard and loves telling people how fond I am of her, and that we hang out all the time. At her school, my name seems to be pretty hilarious. Un finished...